I know it’s been a while and all. Sometimes you think your on this path leading you in this direction and then you go totally in a different one. Well I’m on a different path now so stay tuned to see what this blog bring next.
I had to view God as a real God who loved me for me. I had to know that it was okay for me to approach the throne and He still had grace and mercy for me. That He really forgave me for all that I did and didn’t do but was done to me.
I had to get into the word and believe the word of God about what it says about me. I had to understand that I am created in His image. I am a chose royal priesthood, a holy nation. I had to know my identity was in Christ and not in drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, and what men said about me.
I had to understand that just because I made a bad choice or the wrong path didn’t mean God gave up on me. He never gave up on me and used a tragic circumstance to show me that He was, is and always will be there for me. While I lay on the floor in a ball of tears begging for Him to spare my mom’s life he was sparing mine. He started my renewal at the very moment. I always say that God will turn to good what the enemy meant for evil. I don’t just say it to say it. I say it because I lived it and walk it out.
Have you ever taken those quizzes on Facebook that ask you which disciple you are most like? I have and it always tells me I’m most like Peter. I can’t argue that really, I’m am quite the protector of my family and friends. I’d take whatever action was needed to protect them in the right situation, I might cut off an ear, well maybe not but you get the point.
Well today I really proved to myself that I’m more Peter then I would have like to admit. I climbed the roof at work today in the name of a 365 picture. I wanted a pic of the cross and then had these brilliant ideas of doing some editing and showing how I’ve over come addictions with the power of the cross. So when I fearlessly headed to the roof, people seemed concerned. I on the other hand was like ” it’s all good, I got this, I know exactly what shot I want. I’ve been up there before.
As I was passing a hallway I shouted at a couple of friends/co workers that I was headed up to the roof and jokingly said “if you don’t see me in about twenty minutes come looking for me.” One of them was right behind me to even see where this door was I was talking about to get to the roof. I graciously showed her and she followed me out the fumy looking door onto the first level of the roof.
I looked at my friend who stated she might not want to clime up that metal skinny ladder and said okay no biggie. Well once I hit the top of the ladder to the second story of the building it started to hit me that I might have a fear of heights. The ever increasing pressure on my throat and struggle to breath wasn’t going to deter me though. I knew it was all physiological right, and the air wasn’t thin like in the mountains. Good grief I was only on the second story of the building. It wasn’t Mt. St. Helen’s for goodness sake.
It didn’t hit me till I was about half of the way to the spot I needed to be at that I might have more then just a little fear of heights. My imagination took over and I started picturing myself falling through the roof and landing in the sanctuary and being empaneled by a chair. I imagined that I might find that one weak spot the maintenance guy seemed to have missed. That the roof was really made of thatch and not concrete.
My legs suddenly weren’t working right and my feet felt like bricks were attached to them. With every step I felt the rubber roof sink a little with the weight of my body. Half way there I reached my right hand back and felt my back pocket and yes my phone was there, so if I needed to call someone to come get me I could. If I was going to die it might as well be from embarrassment then the crashing of my body on to chairs right.
I took a few more steps and looked at my subject. It felt like it’s a days walk away and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to make it. I think oh Jesus just let me turn around and make it back to the ladder. I turn around and slowly start back to the ladder. I feel my feet getting lighter and lighter the closer I get to the ladder. I kept telling myself that I went this way once and did fall in so I can make it back safely. Once I reach the ladder, I look down at the next level and feel my stomach turn. I pray dear Jesus just let me get down the ladder.
I started down the ladder once again the wind starts blowing and covering my eyes so as to make it really hard to see the rungs. I finally make it down and my friend who decided not to climb the ladder does what any responsible adult would do and shuts the door to the roof tight. The one small flaw in that is that there is not a handle on the outside for security purposes I suppose.
I put my hands on the door and say ” oh Jesus please let me back in your building”. As I feel around the edges I finally find a lip at the bottom that I can get my finger nails in and gently pull. The heavy metal door gently comes open and I step back into my sanctuary of safety. Shaking at this point uncontrollably I lock the door up and head back to my office so I can now go home.
Today I feel I conquered a fear I never really knew I had. That is a fear of heights, but also I feel I learned a little bit more about myself that others maybe already knew. I’m a jump in head first no fear kinda person. I say it all the time but really never believed it till today. I trust Jesus more in some ways then in others I guess.
I feel like I haven’t blogged forever but I have a new one today. I wanna dedicate this blog to my dad whom I loved. I wasn’t a daddy’s girl by any means that would be my little sister. I was his girl though and he loved me. Here is an excerpt from what I wrote on Facebook today.
Life can’t be all about the bad moments because if it is you will be eaten from the inside out with death. So today I’m remembering my dad and for all the good things he did for me. It’s been three years tomorrow that he passed away. Some think I didn’t care or didn’t love him or didn’t think he was good enough to be my dad, but I did and still do.
He raised us the best way he knew how and there is no fault in that. He taught me so many things in life and I still remember them like they were yesterday. He taught me how to ride a bike and I taught him how to read. He taught me the value of hard work, how to build a house, how to work on my car, how to bake a decent cake and make a beautiful rose out of frosting. Oh the frosting I can’t forget the frosting. I miss not being able to call him and ask him how to make his frosting. He taught me how to drive a car, a stick shift, a motorcycle and a semi. I wasn’t going to truck driving school till he showed me how to shift it and turn it without wrecking it lol. He always provided a vacation for us even if we were on food stamps and the truck we were in was about to fall apart. We were going to Disney world and have fun! We did have fun because he was a kid at heart and loved to play hide and seek with us. I remember one day we were playing hide and seek and I hid in the unfinished bathroom. I thought I heard him coming up the stairs so I peeked my head out of the door and he slammed it shut. I had a goose egg the size of a baseball. He was great at hiding Easter eggs to the point that sometimes we didn’t find them or the prizes till years later. He was also the best at wrapping Christmas presents and making them very heavy when all that was in them was maybe your class ring. I loved my dad and I know he loved me even though we weren’t blood he never treated me like I wasn’t and for that I loved him.
I have to tell you though we didn’t have a strained relationship but my mom and I do and that made it difficult to keep in contact with him. I did take my boys and go see him just weeks before he passed away while he was in the hospital. We went while he was alert and knew exactly who we all were. We went out of respect for him as a parent and grandparent. Yes there were stipulations such as my mom was to be no where near the building. She honored that request and I am grateful for that. I am fine with all of that,but I didn’t realize how hard it would be only three years later to not have him in my life or just a phone call away. I think I view death a little different then most people. I know my dad is up in heaven with Jesus having a grand time. I know he had accepted Christ as his savior when I was little and even though he didn’t always live a life that best represented Christ he did his best with the little disciplining he had. I know he’s rejoicing but I’m still missing him like I never imagined I would. I was raised by my grandparents for the first five years of my life and I do talk of them more then my parents but wow the loss of my dad has been huge. I’m a stuffer with somethings or maybe a lot but I noticed today I just wanted to work and bury myself in it. I didn’t want to talk or see anyone that might remind me of today. I know look back tonight and realize that wasn’t the best choice. So here I am to to say my dad died three years ago and I want the world to know I loved him and he did exist! That just because he’s gone doesn’t mean he can’t still impact my life in a good way today. Just like the memories I share below. I think of how much he did help me and sacrifice for me and my siblings even when two out of the five really weren’t his he never threw that in our face. He stood his ground with some of his family members and fought for us and claimed us. That is the best representation of Christ I think a little 5 year old girl could ever ask for even if he didn’t realize it.
My reality is someone else’s fantasy. My truth is someone else’s lie. Truth that I was told would harm me and cause me distress when in reality only has caused harm and stress to both of us. I have made a choice and refuse to live under that kind of condemnation anymore. I have freedom in Christ and nothing can trump that.
I grew up in a house of lies and sexual immorality. Where it was easier to live in the fantasy then reality. Where truth was held over your head as though it was a noose ready to lasso your neck and hang you. Where your real family as a adolescent were the Walton’s or the Engels and as a teenager you longed to run away to California and maybe that one mom who you adored and wanted to be just like on that soap opera would find pity on you and adopt you. Where you wondered why no one cared about the way you were being treated and maybe this was normal and I was the weirdo. Where the thought of your parents being there when you went to bed and when you woke up was simply fantasy. That mom baking cookies, making you a dinner, washing your cloths and making sure you had proper hygiene was not what everybody really did. Where you were encouraged to finish your education. To continue to college and do better then your parents. Where love came with no strings, no conditions and you could trust another human being.
“So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, The crawling locust, The consuming locust, And the chewing locust, My great army which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, And praise the name of the Lord your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you; And My people shall never be put to shame. Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel: I am the Lord your God And there is no other. My people shall never be put to shame.
Joel 2:25 – 26 NKJV
My fantasy as a child has become my reality as an adult. The lord is good and has reconciled all I had lost and continues to do so. I have been able to be all those things to my kids that I hoped for myself. I walk in forgiveness and victory over the lies of the enemy everyday. I have to remember that forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It isn’t condoning their actions and its most definitely not for them. There is no way that the ones who stole my childhood could repay me all that was lost but as I walk in forgiveness the Lord restores.
When I grow up I wanna be….Nobody says I wanna be a drug dealer, victim, abused, alcoholic, prostitute or in prison for eighteen to life. I wanna be divorced and have children by five different men and loose rights to them later on. I never thought any of these things growing up but many of them I walked out. The words that people speak over us are so powerful. A lot is at stake in what we say today. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).
Redemption is also a powerful word and can change your life dramatically, it did mine. His word says “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace” – (Ephesians 1:7). The redeeming love of Jesus Christ is more powerful. He loves us and always has even when we played out those roles that the world tried to label us with. In all our pain he meets us where we are and says I love you. In Romans 5:6-8 (MSG) Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn’t, and doesn’t, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn’t been so weak, we wouldn’t have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him. What kinda of King leaves his thrown to come to earth to give his life for ours. The kind that has unconditional love for us. ..
Praise God that he met me in my darkest hour and saved me. He has allowed me to be all I have wanted to be and will be. Sure I have strayed my calling a few times and no doubt I may again, but always God has shown me great grace and redirected me back to my calling. This reminds me of a song “Your Grace Finds Me” by Matt Redmen.
“But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good….” Gen. 50:20 NKJ
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11