When I Grow Up……

When I Grow Up……


When I grow up I wanna be….Nobody says I wanna be a drug dealer, victim, abused, alcoholic, prostitute or in prison for eighteen to life. I wanna be divorced and have children by five different men and loose rights to them later on. I never thought any of these things growing up but many of them I walked out. The words that people speak over us are so powerful. A lot is at stake in what we say today. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).

                  Redemption is also a powerful word and can change your life dramatically, it did mine. His word says “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace” – (Ephesians 1:7). The redeeming love of Jesus Christ is more powerful. He loves us and always has even when we played out those roles that the world tried to label us with. In all our pain he meets us where we are and says I love you. In Romans 5:6-8 (MSG) Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn’t, and doesn’t, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn’t been so weak, we wouldn’t have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him. What kinda of King leaves his thrown to come to earth to give his life for ours. The kind that has unconditional love for us. ..

Praise God that he met me in my darkest hour and saved me. He has allowed me to be all I have wanted to be and will be. Sure I have strayed my calling a few times and no doubt I may again, but always God has shown me great grace and redirected me back to my calling. This reminds me of a song “Your Grace Finds Me” by Matt Redmen.

“But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good….” Gen. 50:20 NKJ

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11



        Seen a post from a young woman today really hit a spot in my heart. She stated that she was having a hard time seeing her graduating class post things about it being their last day and graduation day was fast approaching, were really starting to make her feel depressed and wishing she hadn’t picked the route she did. 
        I didn’t have social media to look at and regret the choice I made. My mother encouraged me to quit because I didn’t need a high school diploma to drive a semi and that is what I was going to do.  Between my mom and my high school counselor as a freshmen who said and I quote ” the best you’ll ever be Stacy is a waitress or a trash guy.” The sad part was I believed them and did all I could do to live up to their dreams. I did drive a semi and I was a waitress for a short time. The few things I did that they said I wouldn’t was get my GED and my Associates Degree as a Computer Support Specialist. I have held plenty of respectable jobs and made it in life. 
        I wanna tell this young lady that she may have made the choice to quit school but she can still get a GED and continue on to college if she wanted to. She can’t let her past choices define who she is destined to be. That God has bigger plans for her and all she needs is Faith the size of a mustard seed and she can move mountains. That God gave her free will and no one can define who she is but the Almighty Himself. 
         Being a teenager is hard and the life choices our parents make that we have no control over are  even harder. She needs to surround herself with people who are encourages and not dream killers. Success isn’t measured by how much stuff we have but what kind of legacy we leave behind. Were we are kind and loving always dependable and ready to lend a ear or a hand. Knowing when our opinion should be voiced and when it shouldn’t be. Always and I say always doing it with love. 

         Do I have regrets? Yes I do, but I don’t know to many people who don’t. Would I do things different? I’m not sure I would because I don’t think I would be who I am today. I wouldn’t have met my amazing husband and have the amazing kids We have.  I have a beautiful life because I choose to make better choices then I had in the past. I chose to surround my self with Godly women. 
          Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed – that exhilarating finish in and with God – he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. Hebrews 12:2 MSG 

Mothers Day

Mothers Day


What mothers day is like for me. Well I have three amazing boys who treat me like it’s mothers day everyday. I am blessed beyond measure and am so thankful to God for blessing me with them.

I have done my best to raise them to respect me as a mom and a woman as well as other women. I have done all I can to make sure they are grow up to be strong men in God and body, respectable and dependable. I’ve done all this with only the role model of people around me from my adult life. I was not raised to be respectable, honorable or honest. I know that sounds harsh but it’s the ugly truth. I learned life the hard way and not with the help of my parents. They were decent people in the sense that they didn’t do drugs or drink and that is about all I can give them. My father who adopted me when I was five did the best he knew how with the worst role models ever as parents. My mother on the other hand was a spoiled only child who was never held accountable for her actions. Her parents were decent people and well respected in our community.

Mom and dad did for a short time in my younger days between the ages of 5 and 12 try to act like Christians and take us to church. That is where the seed was planted at the young age of 5 when I asked Jesus to live in my heart. I guess that would be the best thing that ever happened to me while I was in her care.

I write this and some may think I hate my mother but I really don’t. I have forgave her and forgive her daily as the enemy reminds me and of the horrible things from my past. I feel a tremendous sadness for her. I wish I could have called her on mothers day and said “Hi mom how you doing? Happy Mothers day and thanks for all the wonderful memories you gave me. Would you like to go shopping today, we could go out for dinner and have some deep conversation where she would give me great motherly advice and I could actually take it.” But the moment I let her in my life she wrecks havoc on it. Like a dark entity sucking the life out of me and then going in for the kill on my kids. Berating them as men by calling them filthy names and threatening them if they don’t get away from their mother.
She’s a jealous woman and that is what drives her to be so nasty to my children and me. One of the many crazy things she told me growing up that I was her favorite. I have always thought “wow if I’m your favorite, I’d hate to see what you can do to someone you don’t like or love.” She also often reminded me that she didn’t have to have me, she could have aborted me because I’m just the product of a rape anyway. But she kept me so I would be her best friend and love her forever. She got the love her forever right because I do, but the best friend thing hasn’t happened. I’ve had to learn to love her from as distant and pray that God gets it to her some how some way.
I asked a Pastor of ours one day how can I show respect to such a person? I know it says in Ephesians 6:1-4 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” His answer was to respect the position but not to sub-com to the abuse. I keep my focus on God and pray that one day she can be human and decent again to my family and her grandchildren. I have no high expectations just for her to take ownership of her own actions and love me and my kids just as we are. That’s my one Mothers Day prayer.

Mothers Day for me is bitter sweet, but more sweet then anything. I’m a curse breaker and so are my children. We will break every curse the enemy has for our family and shine for Jesus and show the world He is Hope. I refuse to be a victim but a beacon in the darkness for others who have suffered or suffer the same abuse. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.