My Dad

I feel like I haven’t blogged forever but I have a new one today. I wanna dedicate this blog to my dad whom I loved. I wasn’t a daddy’s girl by any means that would be my little sister. I was his girl though and he loved me. Here is an excerpt from what I wrote on Facebook today.

My dad
Life can’t be all about the bad moments because if it is you will be eaten from the inside out with death. So today I’m remembering my dad and for all the good things he did for me. It’s been three years tomorrow that he passed away. Some think I didn’t care or didn’t love him or didn’t think he was good enough to be my dad, but I did and still do.
He raised us the best way he knew how and there is no fault in that. He taught me so many things in life and I still remember them like they were yesterday. He taught me how to ride a bike and I taught him how to read. He taught me the value of hard work, how to build a house, how to work on my car, how to bake a decent cake and make a beautiful rose out of frosting. Oh the frosting I can’t forget the frosting. I miss not being able to call him and ask him how to make his frosting. He taught me how to drive a car, a stick shift, a motorcycle and a semi. I wasn’t going to truck driving school till he showed me how to shift it and turn it without wrecking it lol. He always provided a vacation for us even if we were on food stamps and the truck we were in was about to fall apart. We were going to Disney world and have fun! We did have fun because he was a kid at heart and loved to play hide and seek with us. I remember one day we were playing hide and seek and I hid in the unfinished bathroom. I thought I heard him coming up the stairs so I peeked my head out of the door and he slammed it shut. I had a goose egg the size of a baseball. He was great at hiding Easter eggs to the point that sometimes we didn’t find them or the prizes till years later. He was also the best at wrapping Christmas presents and making them very heavy when all that was in them was maybe your class ring. I loved my dad and I know he loved me even though we weren’t blood he never treated me like I wasn’t and for that I loved him.

I have to tell you though we didn’t have a strained relationship but my mom and I do and that made it difficult to keep in contact with him. I did take my boys and go see him just weeks before he passed away while he was in the hospital. We went while he was alert and knew exactly who we all were. We went out of respect for him as a parent and grandparent. Yes there were stipulations such as my mom was to be no where near the building. She honored that request and I am grateful for that. I am fine with all of that,but I didn’t realize how hard it would be only three years later to not have him in my life or just a phone call away. I think I view death a little different then most people. I know my dad is up in heaven with Jesus having a grand time. I know he had accepted Christ as his savior when I was little and even though he didn’t always live a life that best represented Christ he did his best with the little disciplining he had. I know he’s rejoicing but I’m still missing him like I never imagined I would. I was raised by my grandparents for the first five years of my life and I do talk of them more then my parents but wow the loss of my dad has been huge. I’m a stuffer with somethings or maybe a lot but I noticed today I just wanted to work and bury myself in it. I didn’t want to talk or see anyone that might remind me of today. I know look back tonight and realize that wasn’t the best choice. So here I am to to say my dad died three years ago and I want the world to know I loved him and he did exist! That just because he’s gone doesn’t mean he can’t still impact my life in a good way today. Just like the memories I share below. I think of how much he did help me and sacrifice for me and my siblings even when two out of the five really weren’t his he never threw that in our face. He stood his ground with some of his family members and fought for us and claimed us. That is the best representation of Christ I think a little 5 year old girl could ever ask for even if he didn’t realize it.

Fantasy vs Reality 

My reality is someone else’s fantasy. My truth is someone else’s lie. Truth that I was told would harm me and cause me distress when in reality only has caused harm and stress to both of us. I have made a choice and refuse to live under that kind of condemnation anymore. I have freedom in Christ and nothing can trump that. 
       I grew up in a house of lies and sexual immorality. Where it was easier to live in the fantasy then reality. Where truth was held over your head as though it was a noose ready to lasso your neck and hang you. Where your real family as a adolescent were the Walton’s or the Engels and as a teenager you longed to run away to California and maybe that one mom who you adored and wanted to be just like on that soap opera would find pity on you and adopt you. Where you wondered why no one cared about the way you were being treated and maybe this was normal and I was the weirdo. Where the thought of your parents being there when you went to bed and when you woke up was simply fantasy. That mom baking cookies, making you a dinner, washing your cloths and making sure you had proper hygiene was not what everybody really did. Where you were encouraged to finish your education. To continue to college and do better then your parents. Where love came with no strings, no conditions and you could trust another human being.  

“So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, The crawling locust, The consuming locust, And the chewing locust, My great army which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, And praise the name of the Lord your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you; And My people shall never be put to shame. Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel: I am the Lord your God And there is no other. My people shall never be put to shame. 
Joel 2:25 – 26 NKJV 

My fantasy as a child has become my reality as an adult. The lord is good and has reconciled all I had lost and continues to do so. I have been able to be all those things to my kids that I hoped for myself. I walk in forgiveness and victory over the lies of the enemy everyday. I have to remember that forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It isn’t condoning their actions and its most definitely not for them. There is no way that the ones who stole my childhood could repay me all that was lost but as I walk in forgiveness the Lord restores.