How did you get away from the life style you were in?

I had to view God as a real God who loved me for me. I had to know that it was okay for me to approach the throne and He still had grace and mercy for me. That He really forgave me for all that I did and didn’t do but was done to me.
I had to get into the word and believe the word of God about what it says about me. I had to understand that I am created in His image. I am a chose royal priesthood, a holy nation. I had to know my identity was in Christ and not in drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, and what men said about me.
I had to understand that just because I made a bad choice or the wrong path didn’t mean God gave up on me. He never gave up on me and used a tragic circumstance to show me that He was, is and always will be there for me. While I lay on the floor in a ball of tears begging for Him to spare my mom’s life he was sparing mine. He started my renewal at the very moment. I always say that God will turn to good what the enemy meant for evil. I don’t just say it to say it. I say it because I lived it and walk it out.

I am an Overcomer in all things!

Have you ever taken those quizzes on Facebook that ask you which disciple you are most like? I have and it always tells me I’m most like Peter. I can’t argue that really, I’m am quite the protector of my family and friends. I’d take whatever action was needed to protect them in the right situation, I might cut off an ear, well maybe not but you get the point.

Well today I really proved to myself that I’m more Peter then I would have like to admit. I climbed the roof at work today in the name of a 365 picture. I wanted a pic of the cross and then had these brilliant ideas of doing some editing and showing how I’ve over come addictions with the power of the cross. So when I fearlessly headed to the roof, people seemed concerned. I on the other hand was like ” it’s all good, I got this, I know exactly what shot I want. I’ve been up there before.

As I was passing a hallway I shouted at a couple of friends/co workers that I was headed up to the roof and jokingly said “if you don’t see me in about twenty minutes come looking for me.” One of them was right behind me to even see where this door was I was talking about to get to the roof. I graciously showed her and she followed me out the fumy looking door onto the first level of the roof.

I looked at my friend who stated she might not want to clime up that metal skinny ladder and said okay no biggie. Well once I hit the top of the ladder to the second story of the building it started to hit me that I might have a fear of heights. The ever increasing pressure on my throat and struggle to breath wasn’t going to deter me though. I knew it was all physiological right, and the air wasn’t thin like in the mountains. Good grief I was only on the second story of the building. It wasn’t Mt. St. Helen’s for goodness sake.

It didn’t hit me till I was about half of the way to the spot I needed to be at that I might have more then just a little fear of heights. My imagination took over and I started picturing myself falling through the roof and landing in the sanctuary and being empaneled by a chair. I imagined that I might find that one weak spot the maintenance guy seemed to have missed. That the roof was really made of thatch and not concrete.

My legs suddenly weren’t working right and my feet felt like bricks were attached to them. With every step I felt the rubber roof sink a little with the weight of my body. Half way there I reached my right hand back and felt my back pocket and yes my phone was there, so if I needed to call someone to come get me I could. If I was going to die it might as well be from embarrassment then the crashing of my body on to chairs right.

I took a few more steps and looked at my subject. It felt like it’s a days walk away and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to make it. I think oh Jesus just let me turn around and make it back to the ladder. I turn around and slowly start back to the ladder. I feel my feet getting lighter and lighter the closer I get to the ladder. I kept telling myself that I went this way once and did fall in so I can make it back safely. Once I reach the ladder, I look down at the next level and feel my stomach turn. I pray dear Jesus just let me get down the ladder.

I started down the ladder once again the wind starts blowing and covering my eyes so as to make it really hard to see the rungs. I finally make it down and my friend who decided not to climb the ladder does what any responsible adult would do and shuts the door to the roof tight. The one small flaw in that is that there is not a handle on the outside for security purposes I suppose.

I put my hands on the door and say ” oh Jesus please let me back in your building”. As I feel around the edges I finally find a lip at the bottom that I can get my finger nails in and gently pull. The heavy metal door gently comes open and I step back into my sanctuary of safety. Shaking at this point uncontrollably I lock the door up and head back to my office so I can now go home.

Today I feel I conquered a fear I never really knew I had. That is a fear of heights, but also I feel I learned a little bit more about myself that others maybe already knew. I’m a jump in head first no fear kinda person. I say it all the time but really never believed it till today. I trust Jesus more in some ways then in others I guess.

My Dad

I feel like I haven’t blogged forever but I have a new one today. I wanna dedicate this blog to my dad whom I loved. I wasn’t a daddy’s girl by any means that would be my little sister. I was his girl though and he loved me. Here is an excerpt from what I wrote on Facebook today.

My dad
Life can’t be all about the bad moments because if it is you will be eaten from the inside out with death. So today I’m remembering my dad and for all the good things he did for me. It’s been three years tomorrow that he passed away. Some think I didn’t care or didn’t love him or didn’t think he was good enough to be my dad, but I did and still do.
He raised us the best way he knew how and there is no fault in that. He taught me so many things in life and I still remember them like they were yesterday. He taught me how to ride a bike and I taught him how to read. He taught me the value of hard work, how to build a house, how to work on my car, how to bake a decent cake and make a beautiful rose out of frosting. Oh the frosting I can’t forget the frosting. I miss not being able to call him and ask him how to make his frosting. He taught me how to drive a car, a stick shift, a motorcycle and a semi. I wasn’t going to truck driving school till he showed me how to shift it and turn it without wrecking it lol. He always provided a vacation for us even if we were on food stamps and the truck we were in was about to fall apart. We were going to Disney world and have fun! We did have fun because he was a kid at heart and loved to play hide and seek with us. I remember one day we were playing hide and seek and I hid in the unfinished bathroom. I thought I heard him coming up the stairs so I peeked my head out of the door and he slammed it shut. I had a goose egg the size of a baseball. He was great at hiding Easter eggs to the point that sometimes we didn’t find them or the prizes till years later. He was also the best at wrapping Christmas presents and making them very heavy when all that was in them was maybe your class ring. I loved my dad and I know he loved me even though we weren’t blood he never treated me like I wasn’t and for that I loved him.

I have to tell you though we didn’t have a strained relationship but my mom and I do and that made it difficult to keep in contact with him. I did take my boys and go see him just weeks before he passed away while he was in the hospital. We went while he was alert and knew exactly who we all were. We went out of respect for him as a parent and grandparent. Yes there were stipulations such as my mom was to be no where near the building. She honored that request and I am grateful for that. I am fine with all of that,but I didn’t realize how hard it would be only three years later to not have him in my life or just a phone call away. I think I view death a little different then most people. I know my dad is up in heaven with Jesus having a grand time. I know he had accepted Christ as his savior when I was little and even though he didn’t always live a life that best represented Christ he did his best with the little disciplining he had. I know he’s rejoicing but I’m still missing him like I never imagined I would. I was raised by my grandparents for the first five years of my life and I do talk of them more then my parents but wow the loss of my dad has been huge. I’m a stuffer with somethings or maybe a lot but I noticed today I just wanted to work and bury myself in it. I didn’t want to talk or see anyone that might remind me of today. I know look back tonight and realize that wasn’t the best choice. So here I am to to say my dad died three years ago and I want the world to know I loved him and he did exist! That just because he’s gone doesn’t mean he can’t still impact my life in a good way today. Just like the memories I share below. I think of how much he did help me and sacrifice for me and my siblings even when two out of the five really weren’t his he never threw that in our face. He stood his ground with some of his family members and fought for us and claimed us. That is the best representation of Christ I think a little 5 year old girl could ever ask for even if he didn’t realize it.

Fantasy vs Reality 

My reality is someone else’s fantasy. My truth is someone else’s lie. Truth that I was told would harm me and cause me distress when in reality only has caused harm and stress to both of us. I have made a choice and refuse to live under that kind of condemnation anymore. I have freedom in Christ and nothing can trump that. 
       I grew up in a house of lies and sexual immorality. Where it was easier to live in the fantasy then reality. Where truth was held over your head as though it was a noose ready to lasso your neck and hang you. Where your real family as a adolescent were the Walton’s or the Engels and as a teenager you longed to run away to California and maybe that one mom who you adored and wanted to be just like on that soap opera would find pity on you and adopt you. Where you wondered why no one cared about the way you were being treated and maybe this was normal and I was the weirdo. Where the thought of your parents being there when you went to bed and when you woke up was simply fantasy. That mom baking cookies, making you a dinner, washing your cloths and making sure you had proper hygiene was not what everybody really did. Where you were encouraged to finish your education. To continue to college and do better then your parents. Where love came with no strings, no conditions and you could trust another human being.  

“So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, The crawling locust, The consuming locust, And the chewing locust, My great army which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, And praise the name of the Lord your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you; And My people shall never be put to shame. Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel: I am the Lord your God And there is no other. My people shall never be put to shame. 
Joel 2:25 – 26 NKJV 

My fantasy as a child has become my reality as an adult. The lord is good and has reconciled all I had lost and continues to do so. I have been able to be all those things to my kids that I hoped for myself. I walk in forgiveness and victory over the lies of the enemy everyday. I have to remember that forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It isn’t condoning their actions and its most definitely not for them. There is no way that the ones who stole my childhood could repay me all that was lost but as I walk in forgiveness the Lord restores. 

  

Graduation 

        Seen a post from a young woman today really hit a spot in my heart. She stated that she was having a hard time seeing her graduating class post things about it being their last day and graduation day was fast approaching, were really starting to make her feel depressed and wishing she hadn’t picked the route she did. 
        I didn’t have social media to look at and regret the choice I made. My mother encouraged me to quit because I didn’t need a high school diploma to drive a semi and that is what I was going to do.  Between my mom and my high school counselor as a freshmen who said and I quote ” the best you’ll ever be Stacy is a waitress or a trash guy.” The sad part was I believed them and did all I could do to live up to their dreams. I did drive a semi and I was a waitress for a short time. The few things I did that they said I wouldn’t was get my GED and my Associates Degree as a Computer Support Specialist. I have held plenty of respectable jobs and made it in life. 
        I wanna tell this young lady that she may have made the choice to quit school but she can still get a GED and continue on to college if she wanted to. She can’t let her past choices define who she is destined to be. That God has bigger plans for her and all she needs is Faith the size of a mustard seed and she can move mountains. That God gave her free will and no one can define who she is but the Almighty Himself. 
         Being a teenager is hard and the life choices our parents make that we have no control over are  even harder. She needs to surround herself with people who are encourages and not dream killers. Success isn’t measured by how much stuff we have but what kind of legacy we leave behind. Were we are kind and loving always dependable and ready to lend a ear or a hand. Knowing when our opinion should be voiced and when it shouldn’t be. Always and I say always doing it with love. 

         Do I have regrets? Yes I do, but I don’t know to many people who don’t. Would I do things different? I’m not sure I would because I don’t think I would be who I am today. I wouldn’t have met my amazing husband and have the amazing kids We have.  I have a beautiful life because I choose to make better choices then I had in the past. I chose to surround my self with Godly women. 
          Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed – that exhilarating finish in and with God – he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. Hebrews 12:2 MSG 

Mothers Day

Mothers Day

IMG_2943

What mothers day is like for me. Well I have three amazing boys who treat me like it’s mothers day everyday. I am blessed beyond measure and am so thankful to God for blessing me with them.

I have done my best to raise them to respect me as a mom and a woman as well as other women. I have done all I can to make sure they are grow up to be strong men in God and body, respectable and dependable. I’ve done all this with only the role model of people around me from my adult life. I was not raised to be respectable, honorable or honest. I know that sounds harsh but it’s the ugly truth. I learned life the hard way and not with the help of my parents. They were decent people in the sense that they didn’t do drugs or drink and that is about all I can give them. My father who adopted me when I was five did the best he knew how with the worst role models ever as parents. My mother on the other hand was a spoiled only child who was never held accountable for her actions. Her parents were decent people and well respected in our community.

Mom and dad did for a short time in my younger days between the ages of 5 and 12 try to act like Christians and take us to church. That is where the seed was planted at the young age of 5 when I asked Jesus to live in my heart. I guess that would be the best thing that ever happened to me while I was in her care.

I write this and some may think I hate my mother but I really don’t. I have forgave her and forgive her daily as the enemy reminds me and of the horrible things from my past. I feel a tremendous sadness for her. I wish I could have called her on mothers day and said “Hi mom how you doing? Happy Mothers day and thanks for all the wonderful memories you gave me. Would you like to go shopping today, we could go out for dinner and have some deep conversation where she would give me great motherly advice and I could actually take it.” But the moment I let her in my life she wrecks havoc on it. Like a dark entity sucking the life out of me and then going in for the kill on my kids. Berating them as men by calling them filthy names and threatening them if they don’t get away from their mother.
She’s a jealous woman and that is what drives her to be so nasty to my children and me. One of the many crazy things she told me growing up that I was her favorite. I have always thought “wow if I’m your favorite, I’d hate to see what you can do to someone you don’t like or love.” She also often reminded me that she didn’t have to have me, she could have aborted me because I’m just the product of a rape anyway. But she kept me so I would be her best friend and love her forever. She got the love her forever right because I do, but the best friend thing hasn’t happened. I’ve had to learn to love her from as distant and pray that God gets it to her some how some way.
I asked a Pastor of ours one day how can I show respect to such a person? I know it says in Ephesians 6:1-4 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” His answer was to respect the position but not to sub-com to the abuse. I keep my focus on God and pray that one day she can be human and decent again to my family and her grandchildren. I have no high expectations just for her to take ownership of her own actions and love me and my kids just as we are. That’s my one Mothers Day prayer.

Mothers Day for me is bitter sweet, but more sweet then anything. I’m a curse breaker and so are my children. We will break every curse the enemy has for our family and shine for Jesus and show the world He is Hope. I refuse to be a victim but a beacon in the darkness for others who have suffered or suffer the same abuse. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Family

  I was speaking with a friend this Easter Sunday about what family is to each of us. To me family is my immediate family like my Husband, kids, and the cat. We also have extended family which is our church family, some closer then others but still family. I was always told you can pick an choose your friends but you can’t pick and choose your family. I have to say in my case they are sadly mistaken to think I couldn’t pick and choose my family. Sometimes our blood family just doesn’t work out for us. I always describe it as a round peg trying to fit in a square hole. It’s just impossible to get it in but sometimes we continue to try.

Our view of what a family is can be misrepresented by what society says should be the norm. I see family as loving, always supportive, accepting of all members no matter how they were brought into your family and having your back no matter what. I  unfortunately was not given that opportunity and choose to walk away. Sometimes we choose to leave out of fear, anger, and rejection. I’m no longer fearful, I’m no longer angry and rejection has no hold on me. I’m saddened that at this moment there is no way to reconcile but I know God has a plan and one day we will.

I choose the life style I live but a friend of mine didn’t. She is actually on the receiving end of it. Her one and only immediate family member chose to walk away. Unlike me, her sibling never wrote a letter explaining her decision she just chooses to take stabs randomly making sure her sister stays as far away as possible. This has really made me stop and choose my words carefully about the situation. Things like, she’s running, or she’s angry came to mind but what stuck out the most is she’s hurting just like her sister but chooses a different way of dealing with it. This circles back to my quote ” God gave us a free will and we all make choices good and bad. We ultimately  have to deal with our choices ”

Thank you Jesus I am happy, whole and full of the Holy Spirit.

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”