Graduation 

        Seen a post from a young woman today really hit a spot in my heart. She stated that she was having a hard time seeing her graduating class post things about it being their last day and graduation day was fast approaching, were really starting to make her feel depressed and wishing she hadn’t picked the route she did. 
        I didn’t have social media to look at and regret the choice I made. My mother encouraged me to quit because I didn’t need a high school diploma to drive a semi and that is what I was going to do.  Between my mom and my high school counselor as a freshmen who said and I quote ” the best you’ll ever be Stacy is a waitress or a trash guy.” The sad part was I believed them and did all I could do to live up to their dreams. I did drive a semi and I was a waitress for a short time. The few things I did that they said I wouldn’t was get my GED and my Associates Degree as a Computer Support Specialist. I have held plenty of respectable jobs and made it in life. 
        I wanna tell this young lady that she may have made the choice to quit school but she can still get a GED and continue on to college if she wanted to. She can’t let her past choices define who she is destined to be. That God has bigger plans for her and all she needs is Faith the size of a mustard seed and she can move mountains. That God gave her free will and no one can define who she is but the Almighty Himself. 
         Being a teenager is hard and the life choices our parents make that we have no control over are  even harder. She needs to surround herself with people who are encourages and not dream killers. Success isn’t measured by how much stuff we have but what kind of legacy we leave behind. Were we are kind and loving always dependable and ready to lend a ear or a hand. Knowing when our opinion should be voiced and when it shouldn’t be. Always and I say always doing it with love. 

         Do I have regrets? Yes I do, but I don’t know to many people who don’t. Would I do things different? I’m not sure I would because I don’t think I would be who I am today. I wouldn’t have met my amazing husband and have the amazing kids We have.  I have a beautiful life because I choose to make better choices then I had in the past. I chose to surround my self with Godly women. 
          Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed – that exhilarating finish in and with God – he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. Hebrews 12:2 MSG 

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Mothers Day

Mothers Day

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What mothers day is like for me. Well I have three amazing boys who treat me like it’s mothers day everyday. I am blessed beyond measure and am so thankful to God for blessing me with them.

I have done my best to raise them to respect me as a mom and a woman as well as other women. I have done all I can to make sure they are grow up to be strong men in God and body, respectable and dependable. I’ve done all this with only the role model of people around me from my adult life. I was not raised to be respectable, honorable or honest. I know that sounds harsh but it’s the ugly truth. I learned life the hard way and not with the help of my parents. They were decent people in the sense that they didn’t do drugs or drink and that is about all I can give them. My father who adopted me when I was five did the best he knew how with the worst role models ever as parents. My mother on the other hand was a spoiled only child who was never held accountable for her actions. Her parents were decent people and well respected in our community.

Mom and dad did for a short time in my younger days between the ages of 5 and 12 try to act like Christians and take us to church. That is where the seed was planted at the young age of 5 when I asked Jesus to live in my heart. I guess that would be the best thing that ever happened to me while I was in her care.

I write this and some may think I hate my mother but I really don’t. I have forgave her and forgive her daily as the enemy reminds me and of the horrible things from my past. I feel a tremendous sadness for her. I wish I could have called her on mothers day and said “Hi mom how you doing? Happy Mothers day and thanks for all the wonderful memories you gave me. Would you like to go shopping today, we could go out for dinner and have some deep conversation where she would give me great motherly advice and I could actually take it.” But the moment I let her in my life she wrecks havoc on it. Like a dark entity sucking the life out of me and then going in for the kill on my kids. Berating them as men by calling them filthy names and threatening them if they don’t get away from their mother.
She’s a jealous woman and that is what drives her to be so nasty to my children and me. One of the many crazy things she told me growing up that I was her favorite. I have always thought “wow if I’m your favorite, I’d hate to see what you can do to someone you don’t like or love.” She also often reminded me that she didn’t have to have me, she could have aborted me because I’m just the product of a rape anyway. But she kept me so I would be her best friend and love her forever. She got the love her forever right because I do, but the best friend thing hasn’t happened. I’ve had to learn to love her from as distant and pray that God gets it to her some how some way.
I asked a Pastor of ours one day how can I show respect to such a person? I know it says in Ephesians 6:1-4 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” His answer was to respect the position but not to sub-com to the abuse. I keep my focus on God and pray that one day she can be human and decent again to my family and her grandchildren. I have no high expectations just for her to take ownership of her own actions and love me and my kids just as we are. That’s my one Mothers Day prayer.

Mothers Day for me is bitter sweet, but more sweet then anything. I’m a curse breaker and so are my children. We will break every curse the enemy has for our family and shine for Jesus and show the world He is Hope. I refuse to be a victim but a beacon in the darkness for others who have suffered or suffer the same abuse. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Family

  I was speaking with a friend this Easter Sunday about what family is to each of us. To me family is my immediate family like my Husband, kids, and the cat. We also have extended family which is our church family, some closer then others but still family. I was always told you can pick an choose your friends but you can’t pick and choose your family. I have to say in my case they are sadly mistaken to think I couldn’t pick and choose my family. Sometimes our blood family just doesn’t work out for us. I always describe it as a round peg trying to fit in a square hole. It’s just impossible to get it in but sometimes we continue to try.

Our view of what a family is can be misrepresented by what society says should be the norm. I see family as loving, always supportive, accepting of all members no matter how they were brought into your family and having your back no matter what. I  unfortunately was not given that opportunity and choose to walk away. Sometimes we choose to leave out of fear, anger, and rejection. I’m no longer fearful, I’m no longer angry and rejection has no hold on me. I’m saddened that at this moment there is no way to reconcile but I know God has a plan and one day we will.

I choose the life style I live but a friend of mine didn’t. She is actually on the receiving end of it. Her one and only immediate family member chose to walk away. Unlike me, her sibling never wrote a letter explaining her decision she just chooses to take stabs randomly making sure her sister stays as far away as possible. This has really made me stop and choose my words carefully about the situation. Things like, she’s running, or she’s angry came to mind but what stuck out the most is she’s hurting just like her sister but chooses a different way of dealing with it. This circles back to my quote ” God gave us a free will and we all make choices good and bad. We ultimately  have to deal with our choices ”

Thank you Jesus I am happy, whole and full of the Holy Spirit.

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Special Ed PE

That’s right Special Ed PE, there really was one and I was in it and was convinced I would never get anywhere past that in the fitness world. As a matter of fact I was in special ed for everything from the time I was in fourth grade till I quit my Senior year of High School, not that I needed to be, but my mother needed me to be. One of the many disfuntional things from my so called childhood. I have since then read the definition and requirements to be placed into special ed and am blown away that I was ever considered for it. I’m pretty sure they were basing it off of my mothers physiological issues and not mine.

Today day I finally seen I can get past it and in a big way. I have taken up the sport of Kickboxing and I kicked it’s butt today. I have bought some in-home workout programs a few years ago and have done very well with them. I lost weight and became very fit and kept up with the instructors after a week or two, but I still failed to give myself the credit due to me. Last Friday I went to the Kickboxing class for the first time and I was so excited that I shot out of the shoot way to fast and burned out about twenty minutes before the class was over. This week I made sure I paced myself and needless to say I kept up for the most part with the instructor and my friend who had invited me.

Tonight I look back and thank God that He never left and was always there for me. That even at my age I’m still healing and learning from the things of my past and remembering that they are my past and not my future. Little by little God walks me through each of my wounds and in a way that I never have to focus on them but on Him. As I get older I start to look at myself and see why I do the things I do. Doing this has given more of a understanding for young people who are in the similar positions I was in as a kid. My childhood was far from perfect closer to messed up but God has bigger plans for me then the world did and I pray everyday that I live out my life the way God plans it.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Debating the Bible 

The famous debate of do we read King James or New King James? Read the one that you understand. 

Do we take the word literally or do we interpret it to what we feel it says? Remember you need to look at the book, chapter, verse before and after, time, and the people being addressed at the time.  

I first want to make a disclaimer here that I in no way claiming to be a great debater on this subject. In fact I could probably use a few classes and some more reading but at this point in my life this is what I know to be true to me. I challenge anyone to try and convince me that Jesus isn’t real, because based on my own life experiences I would have to calmly disagree. Now I’m not expecting my own experience to change your heart, especially if you have never lived the former lifestyle I lived.

In the great debate of religion or the bible these are all valid questions. There is a correct answer to each of them. The answers depend on the circumstances of the person asking but always steer them to the ultimate goal and that is Jesus Christ. If we loose sight of Him we have lost sight of all reasoning when answering these questions. The word says ” Ephesians 2:19-20 (NKJV) Now, therefore, you are no longer strangers and foreigners, but fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ Himself being the chief cornerstone.” We have all been given a talent and a task and not all of us were called to pick up the great debate sword and go after people who in our eyes are misled by false prophets, teachers, and preachers. Just as the great apostle Paul wrote In Acts 12-1-2(NKJV) “Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” The war has been fought and won and not one human being is going to change the heart of another on who Jesus is or what they should believe. The only one that can do that is the Holy Spirit. 

I have yet to find a verse in the bible that says I need to debate just because I like to and never once in the bible did I read of Jesus getting so upset with someone that He wanted to lop off the ear of a unbeliever, Oh wait that was Peter and Jesus told him to put down his sword “Matthew 26:52 (NKJV) But Jesus said to him, “Put your sword in its place, for all who take the sword will perish by the sword”. This would be the perfect example of man showing another person how not to believe and it’s called faithless faith. You as a human have no faith in the Holy Spirit that He has the power to change a mans heart and He needs you to do it. If you can’t debate the word in love then you have perverted the whole message with your own sin

I as a believer hang on the the word that says ” for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:23. I’m not against debating the word of God I believe its healthy and a great opportunity to grow in it, but what I am against is making slanderous accusations against men of God that are preaching the word of God based not on your experiences but short articles and blurbs without ever reading their books on it or making a conscious effort to listen to them. So instead of picking us a sword and wheeling it around looking to pound Jesus into them, pick up a bible and read what God has to say to you and you alone. Trust me He will put your task before you, we have no need to go and search it out. He has also given us a helper the Holy Spirit to help us work out that task in this journey we call life. Philippians 2:12-13 “Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.

   

The Struggle is Real

The struggle is real and here I find my self again looking, searching and feeling like a fish out of water at every turn. I hear the voice of the enemy in my head yelling ” what do you think you’re doing? This is out of your league, you’re not very productive and the cost is more than money.” Then I hear the voice of God telling me He’s got this and I’m heading in the right direction and by the way I’m not completely sure of the exact direction but with God at the wheel I know I’m good.

Since Sunday though I have scoured over multiple blogs, reading and studying them trying to find the answer I’m looking for NOW and not weeks from now, not knowing what the answer really is. I’ve consulted two life coaches, all without knowing that’s what they actually did for a living. Both consultations were good and I walked away with more than I had before so I wouldn’t say they were a waste of time at all. I was just trying to get a clear picture in my head of what it is exactly it is they do. My conclusion is you pay someone to be your confidant. Cheerleader and all around dream booster not squasher. I’ve never felt I needed this per say to get me to the next step in life. I’ve tried to surround myself with great friends and kept the decent family members around aka my husband and kids and always leaning on Jesus for what I need. So one of my fifteen new things this year will be praying about a life coach.

My next new thing was my quest tonight that led me to multiple different blogs where I counted words and how many photos and who’s photos they were using. I’ve looked at what each of these people have blogged about and discovered you can blog about anything. I’ve also come to the conclusion that you roughly need any where from 300-500 words and something interesting to post about. I’ve looked into how many times a week to post and for my self if someone posted more than twice a week and over 500 words I became disinterested quit quickly. So I perceive Blogs like the magazine in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. They have many different magazines and with each comes a different set of issues. I think it depends are where you’re at in life as to which magazine you want to read.

Teach me to do Your will, For You are my God; Your Spirit is good. Lead me in the land of uprightness.
Psalm 143:10

# 1 New Beginnings

This is day one of a long but interesting journey. Begin told you are something that you feel your not even when it’s a good thing is hard to swallow. It’s even harder when God uses a total stranger to hammer it home. So I’m going with I’m a writer in progress right now. I can hear my own voice in my head reading this and praying someone else will find it as interesting as I do. My grammar isn’t the best and sentence structure has lack of structure but eventually with lots of reading, writing and learning it will get better. I always say remain teachable. So I’m here to follow my own advice that I often give a friend hoping she’ll do it and some how I’ll feel like I accomplished something and write.

My goal with this blog is to tell my life story and pray that it will empower others who have been in like situations to know that there is a God and He does care about us no matter how minuscule  we think the problem is.  I’m going to tell my story the best way I know how. We all have an audience that wants to hear us but everyone is not our audience. So you can follow or not but I know someone wants to hear what I have to say besides God.

Jeremiah 29:11New King James Version (NKJV)

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.