When I Grow Up……

When I Grow Up……


When I grow up I wanna be….Nobody says I wanna be a drug dealer, victim, abused, alcoholic, prostitute or in prison for eighteen to life. I wanna be divorced and have children by five different men and loose rights to them later on. I never thought any of these things growing up but many of them I walked out. The words that people speak over us are so powerful. A lot is at stake in what we say today. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).

                  Redemption is also a powerful word and can change your life dramatically, it did mine. His word says “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace” – (Ephesians 1:7). The redeeming love of Jesus Christ is more powerful. He loves us and always has even when we played out those roles that the world tried to label us with. In all our pain he meets us where we are and says I love you. In Romans 5:6-8 (MSG) Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn’t, and doesn’t, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn’t been so weak, we wouldn’t have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him. What kinda of King leaves his thrown to come to earth to give his life for ours. The kind that has unconditional love for us. ..

Praise God that he met me in my darkest hour and saved me. He has allowed me to be all I have wanted to be and will be. Sure I have strayed my calling a few times and no doubt I may again, but always God has shown me great grace and redirected me back to my calling. This reminds me of a song “Your Grace Finds Me” by Matt Redmen.

“But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good….” Gen. 50:20 NKJ

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Mothers Day

Mothers Day


What mothers day is like for me. Well I have three amazing boys who treat me like it’s mothers day everyday. I am blessed beyond measure and am so thankful to God for blessing me with them.

I have done my best to raise them to respect me as a mom and a woman as well as other women. I have done all I can to make sure they are grow up to be strong men in God and body, respectable and dependable. I’ve done all this with only the role model of people around me from my adult life. I was not raised to be respectable, honorable or honest. I know that sounds harsh but it’s the ugly truth. I learned life the hard way and not with the help of my parents. They were decent people in the sense that they didn’t do drugs or drink and that is about all I can give them. My father who adopted me when I was five did the best he knew how with the worst role models ever as parents. My mother on the other hand was a spoiled only child who was never held accountable for her actions. Her parents were decent people and well respected in our community.

Mom and dad did for a short time in my younger days between the ages of 5 and 12 try to act like Christians and take us to church. That is where the seed was planted at the young age of 5 when I asked Jesus to live in my heart. I guess that would be the best thing that ever happened to me while I was in her care.

I write this and some may think I hate my mother but I really don’t. I have forgave her and forgive her daily as the enemy reminds me and of the horrible things from my past. I feel a tremendous sadness for her. I wish I could have called her on mothers day and said “Hi mom how you doing? Happy Mothers day and thanks for all the wonderful memories you gave me. Would you like to go shopping today, we could go out for dinner and have some deep conversation where she would give me great motherly advice and I could actually take it.” But the moment I let her in my life she wrecks havoc on it. Like a dark entity sucking the life out of me and then going in for the kill on my kids. Berating them as men by calling them filthy names and threatening them if they don’t get away from their mother.
She’s a jealous woman and that is what drives her to be so nasty to my children and me. One of the many crazy things she told me growing up that I was her favorite. I have always thought “wow if I’m your favorite, I’d hate to see what you can do to someone you don’t like or love.” She also often reminded me that she didn’t have to have me, she could have aborted me because I’m just the product of a rape anyway. But she kept me so I would be her best friend and love her forever. She got the love her forever right because I do, but the best friend thing hasn’t happened. I’ve had to learn to love her from as distant and pray that God gets it to her some how some way.
I asked a Pastor of ours one day how can I show respect to such a person? I know it says in Ephesians 6:1-4 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” His answer was to respect the position but not to sub-com to the abuse. I keep my focus on God and pray that one day she can be human and decent again to my family and her grandchildren. I have no high expectations just for her to take ownership of her own actions and love me and my kids just as we are. That’s my one Mothers Day prayer.

Mothers Day for me is bitter sweet, but more sweet then anything. I’m a curse breaker and so are my children. We will break every curse the enemy has for our family and shine for Jesus and show the world He is Hope. I refuse to be a victim but a beacon in the darkness for others who have suffered or suffer the same abuse. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.


  I was speaking with a friend this Easter Sunday about what family is to each of us. To me family is my immediate family like my Husband, kids, and the cat. We also have extended family which is our church family, some closer then others but still family. I was always told you can pick an choose your friends but you can’t pick and choose your family. I have to say in my case they are sadly mistaken to think I couldn’t pick and choose my family. Sometimes our blood family just doesn’t work out for us. I always describe it as a round peg trying to fit in a square hole. It’s just impossible to get it in but sometimes we continue to try.

Our view of what a family is can be misrepresented by what society says should be the norm. I see family as loving, always supportive, accepting of all members no matter how they were brought into your family and having your back no matter what. I  unfortunately was not given that opportunity and choose to walk away. Sometimes we choose to leave out of fear, anger, and rejection. I’m no longer fearful, I’m no longer angry and rejection has no hold on me. I’m saddened that at this moment there is no way to reconcile but I know God has a plan and one day we will.

I choose the life style I live but a friend of mine didn’t. She is actually on the receiving end of it. Her one and only immediate family member chose to walk away. Unlike me, her sibling never wrote a letter explaining her decision she just chooses to take stabs randomly making sure her sister stays as far away as possible. This has really made me stop and choose my words carefully about the situation. Things like, she’s running, or she’s angry came to mind but what stuck out the most is she’s hurting just like her sister but chooses a different way of dealing with it. This circles back to my quote ” God gave us a free will and we all make choices good and bad. We ultimately  have to deal with our choices ”

Thank you Jesus I am happy, whole and full of the Holy Spirit.

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Special Ed PE

That’s right Special Ed PE, there really was one and I was in it and was convinced I would never get anywhere past that in the fitness world. As a matter of fact I was in special ed for everything from the time I was in fourth grade till I quit my Senior year of High School, not that I needed to be, but my mother needed me to be. One of the many disfuntional things from my so called childhood. I have since then read the definition and requirements to be placed into special ed and am blown away that I was ever considered for it. I’m pretty sure they were basing it off of my mothers physiological issues and not mine.

Today day I finally seen I can get past it and in a big way. I have taken up the sport of Kickboxing and I kicked it’s butt today. I have bought some in-home workout programs a few years ago and have done very well with them. I lost weight and became very fit and kept up with the instructors after a week or two, but I still failed to give myself the credit due to me. Last Friday I went to the Kickboxing class for the first time and I was so excited that I shot out of the shoot way to fast and burned out about twenty minutes before the class was over. This week I made sure I paced myself and needless to say I kept up for the most part with the instructor and my friend who had invited me.

Tonight I look back and thank God that He never left and was always there for me. That even at my age I’m still healing and learning from the things of my past and remembering that they are my past and not my future. Little by little God walks me through each of my wounds and in a way that I never have to focus on them but on Him. As I get older I start to look at myself and see why I do the things I do. Doing this has given more of a understanding for young people who are in the similar positions I was in as a kid. My childhood was far from perfect closer to messed up but God has bigger plans for me then the world did and I pray everyday that I live out my life the way God plans it.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

The Struggle is Real

The struggle is real and here I find my self again looking, searching and feeling like a fish out of water at every turn. I hear the voice of the enemy in my head yelling ” what do you think you’re doing? This is out of your league, you’re not very productive and the cost is more than money.” Then I hear the voice of God telling me He’s got this and I’m heading in the right direction and by the way I’m not completely sure of the exact direction but with God at the wheel I know I’m good.

Since Sunday though I have scoured over multiple blogs, reading and studying them trying to find the answer I’m looking for NOW and not weeks from now, not knowing what the answer really is. I’ve consulted two life coaches, all without knowing that’s what they actually did for a living. Both consultations were good and I walked away with more than I had before so I wouldn’t say they were a waste of time at all. I was just trying to get a clear picture in my head of what it is exactly it is they do. My conclusion is you pay someone to be your confidant. Cheerleader and all around dream booster not squasher. I’ve never felt I needed this per say to get me to the next step in life. I’ve tried to surround myself with great friends and kept the decent family members around aka my husband and kids and always leaning on Jesus for what I need. So one of my fifteen new things this year will be praying about a life coach.

My next new thing was my quest tonight that led me to multiple different blogs where I counted words and how many photos and who’s photos they were using. I’ve looked at what each of these people have blogged about and discovered you can blog about anything. I’ve also come to the conclusion that you roughly need any where from 300-500 words and something interesting to post about. I’ve looked into how many times a week to post and for my self if someone posted more than twice a week and over 500 words I became disinterested quit quickly. So I perceive Blogs like the magazine in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. They have many different magazines and with each comes a different set of issues. I think it depends are where you’re at in life as to which magazine you want to read.

Teach me to do Your will, For You are my God; Your Spirit is good. Lead me in the land of uprightness.
Psalm 143:10