When I Grow Up……

When I Grow Up……


When I grow up I wanna be….Nobody says I wanna be a drug dealer, victim, abused, alcoholic, prostitute or in prison for eighteen to life. I wanna be divorced and have children by five different men and loose rights to them later on. I never thought any of these things growing up but many of them I walked out. The words that people speak over us are so powerful. A lot is at stake in what we say today. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).

                  Redemption is also a powerful word and can change your life dramatically, it did mine. His word says “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace” – (Ephesians 1:7). The redeeming love of Jesus Christ is more powerful. He loves us and always has even when we played out those roles that the world tried to label us with. In all our pain he meets us where we are and says I love you. In Romans 5:6-8 (MSG) Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn’t, and doesn’t, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn’t been so weak, we wouldn’t have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him. What kinda of King leaves his thrown to come to earth to give his life for ours. The kind that has unconditional love for us. ..

Praise God that he met me in my darkest hour and saved me. He has allowed me to be all I have wanted to be and will be. Sure I have strayed my calling a few times and no doubt I may again, but always God has shown me great grace and redirected me back to my calling. This reminds me of a song “Your Grace Finds Me” by Matt Redmen.

“But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good….” Gen. 50:20 NKJ

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Mothers Day

Mothers Day


What mothers day is like for me. Well I have three amazing boys who treat me like it’s mothers day everyday. I am blessed beyond measure and am so thankful to God for blessing me with them.

I have done my best to raise them to respect me as a mom and a woman as well as other women. I have done all I can to make sure they are grow up to be strong men in God and body, respectable and dependable. I’ve done all this with only the role model of people around me from my adult life. I was not raised to be respectable, honorable or honest. I know that sounds harsh but it’s the ugly truth. I learned life the hard way and not with the help of my parents. They were decent people in the sense that they didn’t do drugs or drink and that is about all I can give them. My father who adopted me when I was five did the best he knew how with the worst role models ever as parents. My mother on the other hand was a spoiled only child who was never held accountable for her actions. Her parents were decent people and well respected in our community.

Mom and dad did for a short time in my younger days between the ages of 5 and 12 try to act like Christians and take us to church. That is where the seed was planted at the young age of 5 when I asked Jesus to live in my heart. I guess that would be the best thing that ever happened to me while I was in her care.

I write this and some may think I hate my mother but I really don’t. I have forgave her and forgive her daily as the enemy reminds me and of the horrible things from my past. I feel a tremendous sadness for her. I wish I could have called her on mothers day and said “Hi mom how you doing? Happy Mothers day and thanks for all the wonderful memories you gave me. Would you like to go shopping today, we could go out for dinner and have some deep conversation where she would give me great motherly advice and I could actually take it.” But the moment I let her in my life she wrecks havoc on it. Like a dark entity sucking the life out of me and then going in for the kill on my kids. Berating them as men by calling them filthy names and threatening them if they don’t get away from their mother.
She’s a jealous woman and that is what drives her to be so nasty to my children and me. One of the many crazy things she told me growing up that I was her favorite. I have always thought “wow if I’m your favorite, I’d hate to see what you can do to someone you don’t like or love.” She also often reminded me that she didn’t have to have me, she could have aborted me because I’m just the product of a rape anyway. But she kept me so I would be her best friend and love her forever. She got the love her forever right because I do, but the best friend thing hasn’t happened. I’ve had to learn to love her from as distant and pray that God gets it to her some how some way.
I asked a Pastor of ours one day how can I show respect to such a person? I know it says in Ephesians 6:1-4 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” His answer was to respect the position but not to sub-com to the abuse. I keep my focus on God and pray that one day she can be human and decent again to my family and her grandchildren. I have no high expectations just for her to take ownership of her own actions and love me and my kids just as we are. That’s my one Mothers Day prayer.

Mothers Day for me is bitter sweet, but more sweet then anything. I’m a curse breaker and so are my children. We will break every curse the enemy has for our family and shine for Jesus and show the world He is Hope. I refuse to be a victim but a beacon in the darkness for others who have suffered or suffer the same abuse. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Debating the Bible 

The famous debate of do we read King James or New King James? Read the one that you understand. 

Do we take the word literally or do we interpret it to what we feel it says? Remember you need to look at the book, chapter, verse before and after, time, and the people being addressed at the time.  

I first want to make a disclaimer here that I in no way claiming to be a great debater on this subject. In fact I could probably use a few classes and some more reading but at this point in my life this is what I know to be true to me. I challenge anyone to try and convince me that Jesus isn’t real, because based on my own life experiences I would have to calmly disagree. Now I’m not expecting my own experience to change your heart, especially if you have never lived the former lifestyle I lived.

In the great debate of religion or the bible these are all valid questions. There is a correct answer to each of them. The answers depend on the circumstances of the person asking but always steer them to the ultimate goal and that is Jesus Christ. If we loose sight of Him we have lost sight of all reasoning when answering these questions. The word says ” Ephesians 2:19-20 (NKJV) Now, therefore, you are no longer strangers and foreigners, but fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ Himself being the chief cornerstone.” We have all been given a talent and a task and not all of us were called to pick up the great debate sword and go after people who in our eyes are misled by false prophets, teachers, and preachers. Just as the great apostle Paul wrote In Acts 12-1-2(NKJV) “Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” The war has been fought and won and not one human being is going to change the heart of another on who Jesus is or what they should believe. The only one that can do that is the Holy Spirit. 

I have yet to find a verse in the bible that says I need to debate just because I like to and never once in the bible did I read of Jesus getting so upset with someone that He wanted to lop off the ear of a unbeliever, Oh wait that was Peter and Jesus told him to put down his sword “Matthew 26:52 (NKJV) But Jesus said to him, “Put your sword in its place, for all who take the sword will perish by the sword”. This would be the perfect example of man showing another person how not to believe and it’s called faithless faith. You as a human have no faith in the Holy Spirit that He has the power to change a mans heart and He needs you to do it. If you can’t debate the word in love then you have perverted the whole message with your own sin

I as a believer hang on the the word that says ” for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:23. I’m not against debating the word of God I believe its healthy and a great opportunity to grow in it, but what I am against is making slanderous accusations against men of God that are preaching the word of God based not on your experiences but short articles and blurbs without ever reading their books on it or making a conscious effort to listen to them. So instead of picking us a sword and wheeling it around looking to pound Jesus into them, pick up a bible and read what God has to say to you and you alone. Trust me He will put your task before you, we have no need to go and search it out. He has also given us a helper the Holy Spirit to help us work out that task in this journey we call life. Philippians 2:12-13 “Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.