When I Grow Up……

When I Grow Up……

 

When I grow up I wanna be….Nobody says I wanna be a drug dealer, victim, abused, alcoholic, prostitute or in prison for eighteen to life. I wanna be divorced and have children by five different men and loose rights to them later on. I never thought any of these things growing up but many of them I walked out. The words that people speak over us are so powerful. A lot is at stake in what we say today. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).

                  Redemption is also a powerful word and can change your life dramatically, it did mine. His word says “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace” – (Ephesians 1:7). The redeeming love of Jesus Christ is more powerful. He loves us and always has even when we played out those roles that the world tried to label us with. In all our pain he meets us where we are and says I love you. In Romans 5:6-8 (MSG) Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn’t, and doesn’t, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn’t been so weak, we wouldn’t have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him. What kinda of King leaves his thrown to come to earth to give his life for ours. The kind that has unconditional love for us. ..

Praise God that he met me in my darkest hour and saved me. He has allowed me to be all I have wanted to be and will be. Sure I have strayed my calling a few times and no doubt I may again, but always God has shown me great grace and redirected me back to my calling. This reminds me of a song “Your Grace Finds Me” by Matt Redmen.

“But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good….” Gen. 50:20 NKJ

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Family

  I was speaking with a friend this Easter Sunday about what family is to each of us. To me family is my immediate family like my Husband, kids, and the cat. We also have extended family which is our church family, some closer then others but still family. I was always told you can pick an choose your friends but you can’t pick and choose your family. I have to say in my case they are sadly mistaken to think I couldn’t pick and choose my family. Sometimes our blood family just doesn’t work out for us. I always describe it as a round peg trying to fit in a square hole. It’s just impossible to get it in but sometimes we continue to try.

Our view of what a family is can be misrepresented by what society says should be the norm. I see family as loving, always supportive, accepting of all members no matter how they were brought into your family and having your back no matter what. I  unfortunately was not given that opportunity and choose to walk away. Sometimes we choose to leave out of fear, anger, and rejection. I’m no longer fearful, I’m no longer angry and rejection has no hold on me. I’m saddened that at this moment there is no way to reconcile but I know God has a plan and one day we will.

I choose the life style I live but a friend of mine didn’t. She is actually on the receiving end of it. Her one and only immediate family member chose to walk away. Unlike me, her sibling never wrote a letter explaining her decision she just chooses to take stabs randomly making sure her sister stays as far away as possible. This has really made me stop and choose my words carefully about the situation. Things like, she’s running, or she’s angry came to mind but what stuck out the most is she’s hurting just like her sister but chooses a different way of dealing with it. This circles back to my quote ” God gave us a free will and we all make choices good and bad. We ultimately  have to deal with our choices ”

Thank you Jesus I am happy, whole and full of the Holy Spirit.

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Special Ed PE

That’s right Special Ed PE, there really was one and I was in it and was convinced I would never get anywhere past that in the fitness world. As a matter of fact I was in special ed for everything from the time I was in fourth grade till I quit my Senior year of High School, not that I needed to be, but my mother needed me to be. One of the many disfuntional things from my so called childhood. I have since then read the definition and requirements to be placed into special ed and am blown away that I was ever considered for it. I’m pretty sure they were basing it off of my mothers physiological issues and not mine.

Today day I finally seen I can get past it and in a big way. I have taken up the sport of Kickboxing and I kicked it’s butt today. I have bought some in-home workout programs a few years ago and have done very well with them. I lost weight and became very fit and kept up with the instructors after a week or two, but I still failed to give myself the credit due to me. Last Friday I went to the Kickboxing class for the first time and I was so excited that I shot out of the shoot way to fast and burned out about twenty minutes before the class was over. This week I made sure I paced myself and needless to say I kept up for the most part with the instructor and my friend who had invited me.

Tonight I look back and thank God that He never left and was always there for me. That even at my age I’m still healing and learning from the things of my past and remembering that they are my past and not my future. Little by little God walks me through each of my wounds and in a way that I never have to focus on them but on Him. As I get older I start to look at myself and see why I do the things I do. Doing this has given more of a understanding for young people who are in the similar positions I was in as a kid. My childhood was far from perfect closer to messed up but God has bigger plans for me then the world did and I pray everyday that I live out my life the way God plans it.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11